WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a worrisome finding issued Monday, scientists revealed that they believe Secretary of State Marco Rubio is gradually vanishing. Davis Logsdon, a scientist at the University of Minnesota who has been monitoring Rubio’s steady diminution, said that, if measurements are correct, the Secretary of State is disappearing at a faster rate than the polar ice caps. “We first sounded the alarm about this during the Oval Office meeting with Volodymyr Zelenskyy back in February,” Logsdon said. “Either Rubio was getting smaller, or the sofa he was sitting on was getting bigger.” “Like Pluto, Rubio needs to be reclassified,” the scientist added. “Henceforth we will call him Littler Marco.” Democracy Dies When Billionaire Weasels Own Newspapers: Subscribe to The Borowitz Report Today.© 2025 Andy Borowitz |